Don’t cut before you shave. My entire bathroom smells like blood now.

I’m shaking and I wish he would just talk to me. I don’t see why he can’t grasp the concept that this is just High School….

Stuck between two boys. One of them… well, he’s a boy in a band. A bass player. Oh god, a bass player… But he has problems. Things never end well with this guy. He’s known for messing around with girls. But he’s so sweet to me. He told me I’m downright the prettiest girl he’s ever seen, and that he’s had a giant crush on me for 2 years. And at the time I was like “Awwww that’s sweet” and now I like him. Because he’s funny and cute and wonderful and an amazing kisser and because I could help him… I hope think.

But this other boy… This shy, punk-rock boy. He has a calm passion, and that’s what I need. He could be my penniless keytar player and I could be his Satine. I want a love like that! And he could provide that, not bass boy. Bass boy could make me feel special. He’s been around with so many girls, and yet he chooses me. But punk boy can give me that kind of strong love I’ve been craving for so long.

I just want love. In the end that’s all I want.

I’m so sick of the temptation to get to the blade. So damn sick of craving something sharp to press against my skin. I love to draw my own blood. I love the way that it drips down the shower drain. But it’s the same way I loved James.

Dangerous.

Stress

I can feel it in every fiber of my being. I feel far to stressed for this world, too stretched out. I feel like I could break any second now, as if what I say and what I do no longer matters, only what  I think, I don’t want to be this girl anymore. I don’t want to be the one that people rely on to remove their own stress. Because all that stress goes somewhere, it goes somewhere and that somewhere is me. I have all your stress. All of it. Everyone’s stress has been piled on me. I can’t handle that fucking responsibility. I can’t I can’t I CAN’T.

Tomorrow

James broke up with me 10 months ago. I’m over him. I’m really really over him. But I still can’t stand to be around him. No longer because seeing him with her invokes any kind of jealousy…. More because of my general disdain for him and other manipulative bastards such as himself. My unequal loathing for a boy so lost in his own self pity that he cannot see how much he can harm others.

Tomorrow, Today, I will see him. I will go to this party and I will deal with the awkwardness through my friends.

Everything will be ok if Will and I don’t fight.

Avalon can help me through it. She always does. Her humor and complete and utter understanding of me and my feelings makes me feel invincible when she’s with me.

Drew knows what to do. He’s more like a big brother than anything else lately. He cares more about me than I know, more than I care to figure out.

My god, my great spaghetti monster in the sky, I am scared.